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first lyricscritique


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#1 youthculturekilledmydog

youthculturekilledmydog
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Posted 06 March 2006 - 07:54 PM

Can anyone critque and or offer melody advice?
THANK YOU!

Mike Brown

[SIZE=7][FONT=Courier]Hes the dirtiest kid this side of Lanzos house
his dinner tonight will be his pet mouse

he wonders up and down 47 street
wearing plastic bags upon his feet

for a while he lived at the basketball court
out of toothpaste and glue he made a nice fort

he hollers "hey dude" till his face blue
he says the best topping for pizza is leather shoe

there is no one he hate more than his brother James
who is is personal cheerleader at basketball games

when people see his face they run away
instead of dinning with him at Old Country Buffett

he went to Sir Johns and gave him flees
theen the brookfield police arrested him for being Chineese

#2 Will_Wood

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Posted 06 March 2006 - 07:56 PM

First two lines were brilliant. Real character there. The problem is that lots of it sounded forced. It just didn't flow. It ended up sounding like something Yoda would write, if you catch my meaning. "Out of toothpaste and glue he made a nice fort"? Why not just say "He made a fort out of tooth paste and glue." For a first song, it's great. I suggest you expand upon those first two lines better than what you have done.

Lots of potential. Keep writing, and welcome to GTU!

Edited by Will_Wood, 06 March 2006 - 07:59 PM.

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