Jump to content


* * * * * 1 votes

read this and tell me what ya thinkplease?


6 replies to this topic

#1 laker0902

laker0902
  • GZ Regular
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 10,404 posts
  • Original Name: laker0902

Posted 12 March 2008 - 02:15 PM

Do you hide yourself
Behind a liquor bottle each night?
Youíre just waiting for someone
Who shares in your delights
But if you donít find them
I guess youíre happy alone
I could never be like that
I guess Iíll never know

CHORUS:
But youíll fall apart and Iíll be so happy
That Iím still standing on my feet
And youíll never pass start, itíll be okay
Cuz youíll still have me
But you better move on, better get on better
Step it up or youíll never see that
You were made for me

I saw you sneak behind
The liquor store last night
Who were you waiting for?
You tried to stay out of sight
The parking lot was dark
Except for one streetlight
Were you waiting for a girl
Or just another fight?


it may seem kind of short, but I've written all the music and the rest of the arrangement and it's about 4 minutes, so yea. I haven't posted in awhile, how's everyone doing?

critique me please!

~Sara

#2 Silver68

Silver68
  • GZ Regular
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 2,257 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Canada
  • Original Name: Silver68

Posted 12 March 2008 - 03:11 PM

I liked it for the most part, when you started off I was like Oh God not the liquor lines but it actually turned out to be quite decent, I think. The rhyming was a bit better in the first than the second verse. Seemed a wee bit forced in the second verse. The chorus, I believe would be the all time strong point.

I like it, it's a pretty good song, Since you have the music I'd love to hear it.


Thanks for that Silver -- You really are one great poet as well as a songwriter with a mind of your own. Really- Dorio

#3 laker0902

laker0902
  • GZ Regular
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 10,404 posts
  • Original Name: laker0902

Posted 13 March 2008 - 08:02 AM

Thanks, I want to get it recorded, but won't be able to until mid-May as I'm at college right now, and no recording gear...it's all at home.

Anywho, thanks for your input, it still has some lyrical work that can be done.

~Sara

#4 imadique

imadique

    Betty when you call me you can call me Sal.

  • GZ Regular
  • PipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,208 posts
  • Gender:Female
  • Location:Sydney, Australia.
  • Original Name: imadique

Posted 14 March 2008 - 03:31 AM

I liked the 2nd verse.


The 1st four lines of the chorus chorus are good if you're going for the "I want you to be damaged so I feel needed" thing (which I liked, whether that's correctly interpreted or not), but then the second half of it seems to contradict entirely.

didn't like the first verse much at all:

Do you hide yourself
Behind a liquor bottle each night?
opening's fine
Youíre just waiting for someone
Who shares in your delights
Don't like that phrase in this spot much, but that's just my taste - nothing especially wrong with it
But if you donít find them
I guess youíre happy alone
What?? Why are they an alcoholic then? Sure, they might be deliberately isolating themselves but it doesn't seem right to say they're happy about it...
I could never be like that
I guess Iíll never know
Seems like you've already made an assumption, but besides that it seems tacked on for the rhyme more than anything else.

And then the biggest problem for me is that somehow between the first verse and chorus the alcoholic has become involved with the protagonist, who seemed to be watching from the outside in the fist verse, but personally involved in the chorus. The only way I can see the two connecting properly is if the protagonist is delusional about their chances with the alcoholic and has built up a relationship where there isn't one...which could be a cool angle but I didn't really think that's what it was...

That's my take anyways.

#5 rasav

rasav
  • GZ Regular
  • PipPipPipPip
  • 1,307 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Texas
  • Original Name: rasav

Posted 14 March 2008 - 06:10 AM

QUOTE (laker0902 @ Mar 13 2008, 04:02 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Thanks, I want to get it recorded, but won't be able to until mid-May as I'm at college right now, and no recording gear...it's all at home.

Anywho, thanks for your input, it still has some lyrical work that can be done.

~Sara


It's time for a Ninja Recording studio!!!
1. any 25 dollar 300mhz or higher computer (with usb ports) from e-bay
2. a 1/4 inch to usb adapter from nerds.net or other discounter.
3. a used crt monitor from a garbage bin near you
4. A really cheap Kerioki (esp) mic with a 1/8 inch plug
5. a copy of audacity downloaded from a friends computer. ( Http://sourceforge.net )
6. a ski mask...(Well you're in collage and too poor to buy a real ninja costume.) rolleyes.gif

Using a broom handle stolen from the custodian and a roll of duck tape, Fashion a boom mic by cutting the broom stick in half and taping the it back together at a 45 degree angle. Drill a hole in a useless book for a base. Tape the mic to the stick and your hands will be free to play guitar.

Plug the 1/4 inch jack into the guitar and the other end into the usb pot in the computer.

Install and run audacity.

Record and upload to your favorite file sharing site.


Not much on the construction of the song, but I'm old so my opinion dosen't count. Unless you'll be composing on the subject of hair loss and denture adhesives... got a lot to say there! biggrin.gif
Just an idea... Not an actual serving suggestion.

#6 laker0902

laker0902
  • GZ Regular
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip
  • 10,404 posts
  • Original Name: laker0902

Posted 14 March 2008 - 09:13 AM

Imadique-The angle I was going for is that this person is looking for something that if they don't find, they're okay with because they have their booze, but I have feelings for them and don't know why they are happy with just alcohol and not a real relationship. I'm still working on it lyrically, so I'll take your words into account definitely when I do a re-write, so thanks for the input!

rasav-I have a decent setup at home, I just won't be home until May, I share a room, and there is never enough quiet on a college campus to get a decent recording. But thanks for the ideas.

~Sara

#7 spnj

spnj

    Acoustic pop wannabe

  • GZ Regular
  • PipPipPip
  • 595 posts
  • Gender:Male
  • Location:Canada
  • Original Name: spnj

Posted 16 March 2008 - 04:04 PM

overall I liked it. Wasnt a huge fan of the liquor lines as one would call them, but I think I would need to hear it to make a fair critique. I enjoyed the chorus, and all of the possibilities of how it could sound.
WEBSITE!
IPB Image
Coffee black and egg white.

You're really rather good. - Greame
One of the top five song writers on this forum- Will
Some day I will murder you- Jeff



Reply to this topic



  


0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users


Please consider donating to GuitarZone.com.
With more and more people using ad blocking add-ons for browsers, ad revenue has plummeted.
If you can spare even US$5 it would mean a lot to help pay for GZ's monthly server bill.
Thank you to all. Cheers! --Rob



Method #1: PayPal



Click 'Donate' above
to donate with any
major credit card or
existing PayPal funds.


E-mail on record with PayPal
[ ]



Method #2: Bitcoin


Option A )  Scan Bitcoin QR Code


Scan above box with mobile phone, or click...



Option B )  Copy and Paste Bitcoin Address

  13NA7exoZVPGBAxnKXcQAz35JQ5PvnhYDE  


Copy above address and paste into Bitcoin app...



Learn more about Bitcoin...