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#1 Jay Kay

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Posted 14 May 2017 - 01:00 PM

I've been pretty reluctant to post here regarding what I'm about to talk about at risk of being misinterpreted as exploiting a personal tragedy for attention or whatever.. but you guys are my digital friends and I don't have a whole lot of people that I feel connected to that I feel comfortable being vulnerable with.

Maybe it's assbackwards, or just a really unfortunate flaw of mine, but I'm more comfortable talking in this forum then the flesh and blood I'm around. Maybe it's because a persona isn't really necessary here, and I can just be myself.

I've always handled loss poorly. On the outside? I project myself as concrete, unaffected, and am usually more concerned with comforting others whom were affected. I don't like showing vulnerability; for some reason my mind has labeled it as weak and taboo. I know it's healthy and normal to allow yourself to cry or grieve around others, but it's like an uncontrollable defense mechanism in me to reject it and swallow it.

My biggest problem when faced with any sudden loss, is I become reclusive and bitey. Loss has many faces; and I have dealt with quite a bit on the past few years. After the failure of my marriage, I lost most of my friends because I withdrew and became very bitter. I get bitey when people ask "are you ok?" Or want to talk about it. It's a really bad flaw. Because of my attitude and my rejection and outright asshole attitude towards my friends who were just trying to be there, most of my friendships were destroyed. Soon after that I spiraled into a brutal addiction that further isolated myself from family. Since I've recovered, I've just occupied myself with business.

My closest remaining friend and business partner committed suicide in April within an hour of hanging up with me on our last phone call. I am having a really hard time.

He sent me a postcard that I received after his death that served as his goodbye, and just today was sent a video by his roommate who was able to break into his Mac to recover his in progress projects that I'm now tasked with finishing. Both of these indicate that it was planned. Our last phone call was great, and I had no indication that he was going to do this. After he hung up with me he changed all of the social profiles to black pictures and ended his life, discovered shortly after our call.

Had anyone dealt with this? Can I have some advice on how to not drown in misery?

#2 spacecrumbs

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Posted 14 May 2017 - 01:19 PM

I've never really had to deal with loss but about the only thing I've found to be of real help to me with depression is quitting drinking, it really is shit for mental health especially if you already feel bad. Meds can help but in my experience the side-effects outweigh the benefits unless you are struggling to look after yourself physically.



#3 Jay Kay

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Posted 14 May 2017 - 01:43 PM

I'm definitely not a huge drinker, which is good. My poison is unfortunately pills, so I have to stay away from them.

#4 Derf!

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Posted 14 May 2017 - 03:42 PM

Shit man, my sympathies. Losing anyone is rough but losing them that way is particularly rough. The best I can suggest is to keep on moving and try not to dwell in the how or the why of it all because let me tell you, that is a dead end in every conceivable way. All it serves to do is engender judgemental bitterness for the recently departed while simultaneously stockpiling guilt over feeling animosity toward them. 

 

After that, well, buckling emotionally will happen pretty naturally but try to just let that happen as best you can. I'm similar in that "don't show anything ever" method of feeling stuff so I get that's easier said than done though. Mostly I throw all that stuff into a painting or something so maybe channel all that energy into your music stuff? I dunno. You'd think after so many centuries of existence that humanity would have a manual for things like this but here we are. Anyway.

 

I got nuthin'. I can't say the shit goes away over time, but it certainly becomes less intense and overwhelming so hold fast, buddy. 



#5 Jay Kay

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Posted 14 May 2017 - 04:29 PM

You nailed it though man. Really spot on.

I think you're right though, I've always found pouring that energy into the arts is really therapeutic. I'm just feeling really unmotivated and down lately, so I haven't really done anything with music except for work related stuff.

The music part has been really tainted for now. He was doing the mastering for my little side project and some additional percussion stuff. I had posted the artwork for it a while ago and it had some pretty straight forward references to suicide and depression. My instinct would've been to finish it in his memory, but it's become too real and feels tacky now.

#6 sixgunsound

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 05:44 AM

Dude - shitty. 

 

There aren't words, are there? My town had a number of suicides when I was a kid. You don't need to hear any of the details, I'm sure, but suffice it to say, I hear where you're at mentally. 

 

1. Reach out. There are mental health services all over the place. I'm not sure how it works for you as an American given your healthcare system, but I hope you at least have a resource covered somewhere. If not, reach out to friends or family. Or us. I mean it. The worst thing you can do is to isolate your thoughts and allow further validity to what you must know, deep down, are not healthy thoughts. You need someone to tell you that. FB message me anytime - I fucking mean it. 

 

2. Celebrate. Your friend had something fucked up happen in his head. That doesn't take away from everything he did, was, or could have been. He was a person and you, taking over his work, have a cool opportunity to celebrate who he was. 

 

3. Don't feel obligated. See the above point? You aren't the flag bearer of his memory. This isn't the remaining Beatles remixing Lennon's Free as a Bird in the early 90's. You aren't required to be anything. The only thing you need to worry about is you. If celebrating his memory is hard for you right now, let others take that on. 

 

4. Volunteer. You might find it really really difficult, but never forget that somewhere there's a kid being bullied who's ready to take a long trip over a railing. We have Kid's Help Phone here: kids can call in about anything just for someone to hear them speak. Catharsis is important, but know that your journey through this can be to the benefit of others. Again, don't feel obligated. Your catharsis is just as important. Know, however, that just because you weren't the light your buddy needed when he was at the edge, that you can still be a light for someone. 

 

5. PTSD is real. It is real and it can affect you. Do not think you are immune. Get help if you need help. If this thread has done nothing to help you, do not stop looking for something to help you. Never stop looking. Never stop. Never. 


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#7 Jay Kay

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 06:04 AM

Thanks man, all of that is really helpful. It definitely helps to talk about it, keeping it in feels like cancer. I'd message you on Facebook, but I don't have any personal accounts. Everyone of your points hits home in a way, and it's really great advice. I think it's really good advice to get out and around people, I've been spending a lot of time in a kind of self imposed isolation and it's becoming really unhealthy for my mental health. One of the most painful aspects of this loss is the fact that our lives had paralleled each other quite a bit. We both went through similar things at similar times and talked daily. Especially dealing with depression, we definitely had each other's back. I wish I would've crawled out of my own head a bit and recognized that his condition was more dangerous and needed more immediate attention. It's a bitch. Of all of our miserable conversations, that last one was the most deceiving. Looking back he had been so unnaturally serene. It's clear he had planned it. The method by which he took his life shows the amount of self hatred he suffered from and it fills me with dread. He left a really heavy weight on my shoulders. I wish I wasn't the last one to talk to him, and I wish we weren't working on a project that exaggerated depression. I now know that this was something well planned, and I had always talked him off the ledge; but I feel enormous guilt. I know I shouldn't, but it's really hard not to. I also wish I wasn't sent that goodbye video, the note was haunting, but the video explicit depicts someone suffering from a mental breakdown. The most frustrating part is he tried to have him committed 3 times, and each time he was sent home with pills and "no reason to keep him". He was absolutely failed.

#8 Jay Kay

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 06:08 AM

It's been a rollercoaster of emotions. I've cycled between absolute rage and misery. He left me an absolute mess to deal with, closing several contracts and taking upfront pay under my business name, and dying before completing any of them. That creates a whole separate legal issue for me.

#9 sixgunsound

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 06:14 AM

Don't forget the first thing I said was "shitty". 

 

It's shitty. It's Cartman's poop swatch shitty. Nothing about it is good. Nothing. And if you're stuggling too, this isn't going to help at all. 

 

It's not about rising above it, it's about meeting it head on. And it's going to be shitty. If you aren't feeling shitty you aren't getting better. And you might not get better quickly, or at all. You might live with it forever. But I promise you that living with it forever saves you passing the buck to someone else like your boy just did. That's not to put anything else on his shoulders - he was clearly troubled. But now you have to piece it together as best you can. 

 

I also said there are no words, and that's still true. These are just words. You gotta live this. Please keep living it. You might just be a bunch of letters on my screen, but we've done the whole suicide thing on this forum and I can assure you that you are more than just ones and zeros to people here and in your real life. 


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#10 Jay Kay

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 06:38 AM

Definitely, this forum has always been filled with genuinely good people like yourself. It's what has kept me coming back and wondering about you guys since 04. I was definitely sad to see what happened to woogie, by then I had lost touch with him and msn messenger became skype and I didn't keep any of my old friends on it. It's all really good advice and I appreciate it more than you know.

#11 sixgunsound

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 06:53 AM

Just stay with us, bro. *insert something inspiring here*


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#12 Jay Kay

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 06:55 AM

Yeah man, it's been a shit year, but I'm hanging on for the ride. I've overcome too much to just throw my hands up now. I think it's time for a vacation.

#13 sixgunsound

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 07:24 AM

Yeah man, it's been a shit year, but I'm hanging on for the ride. I've overcome too much to just throw my hands up now. I think it's time for a vacation.

 

Come to Toronto. Enjoy the legal herbs and our just slightly more populous metropolis! 


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#14 Herr Rararr

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 07:26 AM

It's worse than that, I think it's time we actually got together and played some really shitty music.


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#15 Jay Kay

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 07:40 AM

Count me in for the herbs, I'm definitely going to make my way up there soon.

Yeah man, we're definitely over due. It's definitely my fault it hasn't happened yet, I keep getting sidetracked. After I finish this Celtic album for one of Fabians clients, I'm going to put myself on vacation for a month. I'll definitely have the time then.

#16 sixgunsound

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 07:43 AM

You have no idea how available I will make myself. I can even spot you accommodation if you need it. I love playing tour guide more than just about anything else. Oh, and I love drinking beer on patios. 


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#17 Jay Kay

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 07:54 AM

I will no doubt take you up on that invite soon. I've never been to Toronto and I'd love to go. The girl I'm with now has been asking to go to Florida, so I might oblige and take her to Clearwater or Fort Lauderdale in June, but the beauty of being self employed is I can make my own schedule. If I bust my ass, I'll be able to make two trips.

#18 sixgunsound

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 08:21 AM

I'm avoiding the US this summer. My gf needs to stay in the country to keep her unemployment benefits (teacher), so I might drive to Newfoundland. That said, I'd really like to see Havana. Too bad that one is off your table :P


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#19 Derf!

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Posted 29 May 2017 - 02:33 PM

Christ, Jared. Learn to know when and where it's appropriate to talk that shit. Dudes bearing his soul here and you're making a mockery of it. Seriously, get your shit together, Jared. I swear if you weren't my fake brother...



#20 Jay Kay

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Posted 30 May 2017 - 12:48 AM

Yeah Jared sheesh lol



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