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What do u think of this songnot finished yet


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#1 SmObbe

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Posted 09 April 2004 - 11:00 AM

*
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Song: "Memories of you"
Composer: Oscar Jacobsson

INTRO/VERSE 1
Thinking of you all the time

When it was you and me

Thought you never would leave me

Thought you loved me

But then you ran away from me

CHORUS
|:Alone in this sorrowed world -

Could do anything to get you back to me -

Im lost without you -

in this life of coldness :|

#2 J-Gunner!

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Posted 09 April 2004 - 11:37 AM

Well, it's not done like you said, so that explain the one verse, one chorus predicament. By what I see, the song might need a little word. It's got tons of fragments in it. And the word "me" was overly used to end most the lines. It might need to be put into a better ryhme scheme if you plan to use one at all. It seemed a little unorganized. I hate to be negative, but that's what you asked for, eh? Criticism. Good try. Keep writing.
"It's never just right. Not like the movie say. I'm no Brad Pitt, and you're no Angelina Jolie."

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#3 TheSetup

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Posted 09 April 2004 - 03:33 PM

it okay... blink.gif ...next time post the full song that way it will be better because one verse may suck but the rest of the song is good smile.gif

#4 _brad_

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Posted 09 April 2004 - 07:04 PM

stale

old words can you honestly say uve never seen some of these lines in other poorly written songs, u need to tell us a story instead of just saying Thought you loved me, its just nothing there that makes the reader enjoy this,

keep writing but dont be scared to write something tdifferent than we were cool when we were together and stuff like that write something completely new that no body has ever thought of, it might work

#5 dorio

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Posted 09 April 2004 - 11:26 PM

When i come across those unfinish songs, i'm hit by the same old thought; to
comment on an unfinish song, it's like commenting a mountain when you've never
seen one, or explaining the sea when you've never seen it...


This said, i think the little corner you have unveiled is like brad just described it's
"stale" ... But there are ways to salvage a stale verse, and a hesitant chorus.

#6 randomorwhat

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Posted 10 April 2004 - 07:25 AM

There's not much to comment on.

It's bare, far too bare. You don't say enough, you have no movement...you need far more substance to form a song around. What you're got at the moment is a bare idea, nothing more than an introduction I'd even suggest.

I'd also say it's a tired out idea, and just lacks real flare I suppose. Try to think originality

Keep writin smile.gif

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Look out on a Summer's day, with eyes that know the darkness in my soul...

#7 KGLE radio

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Posted 10 April 2004 - 07:33 PM

I think it can go somewhere. But you use "me" to much. I think it's to repetetive for just one verse, good luck with it.

#8 guitarcrazedtom

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Posted 10 April 2004 - 08:34 PM

Ever heard of SSDD? Well it's like that... Same s-h-i-t different day, or like... err SSDT? Same s-h-i-t different title.

Go original.

It sucks completely

Tom

Edited by guitarcrazedtom, 10 April 2004 - 08:35 PM.


#9 antonf89

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Posted 14 April 2004 - 12:35 PM

de e lide åbrebning av mi i texten...

de e nåd du får joobba me!!


ha de gitt kusin!!


hehe

#10 spnj

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Posted 14 April 2004 - 02:30 PM

Im going to have to agree with random, brad and dorio on this one. Sure it might have some potential, but the way it looks right now it kinda..... bleh..... huh.gif so keep working on it, post when your done, maybe you could turn it around.... and one more thing.. try to avoid rhyhming me with me with me with me..... one reason that the song seems a bit boring

cheers
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#11 SmObbe

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Posted 16 April 2004 - 09:37 AM

Ok, thanks for helping me out with this! I will put it out when its done..this was my first song so i just wanted see what you thinked about it!!

Thanks!

#12 nirvanachic12000

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Posted 16 April 2004 - 09:41 AM

Its ok... honestly it could be better when completly finished. like Thesetup said,
QUOTE
next time post the full song that way it will be better because one verse may suck but the rest of the song is good
yea i agree.
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#13 GracehasQuitGoodbye!

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Posted 16 October 2015 - 01:01 PM

 well done in giving it a go :-) takes courage to post something that means something to you. keep going with it and see where it leads. sometimes simple words can be good because it's in black and white it's hard to get a feeling for it but, with music behind it who knows. A lot of songs have simple lyrics and they do well sometimes complicated over thought out songs you hear the lyrics and go umm what?

 admit it as good as Michael Jacksons Billie Jean is...you all sung at one time..words you had no idea what he was saying!

 

like the chair is not my son!

 

man in the mirror I sang Im tlaking about the man in the mirror im asking him to shave his face no moustache for the man and his clippers!

 

I sung that when at wembly 92 when tiny little me existed and my sis looked at me said you think hes singing what? I said thats what he's singing..sis husband was  fits of giggles. listening to me singing whatever thought mj was singing at concert!

 

 Jam...he ate too much stuff he ate too much..it aint too much for me! jam uh huh me thinks too much stuff... see !

 

sometimes simple is best..

 

especially for simpletons like me!





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